Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number!

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People age. That means at some point we all become seniors. But what about the seniors we’re surrounded by now? In my personal opinion, and experience, I believe that people should have friends in all age categories, including seniors. Why? Because not only do they have wisdom, and stories of the “olden days,” but they make good company.

It gets you both out of the house, good conversation, builds character, and you can laugh and joke with the best of them. Seniors have some of the dirtiest minds out there, because they’ve been around and have some experiences.

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I enjoy having coffee with the girls, and getting hugs, sharing stories, laughing at “senior moments,” talking technology, and seeing some of them “flirt.” Chatting about world news, not owning the winning lottery ticket, hoping the weather gets nicer, and anything that comes up.

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Life can put you in a rut. When people my age are busy having families, and such, it’s hard to get out of the house and do things. When seniors are retired and don’t have anything to keep them occupied, they stay inside too. Can’t think of a better way to get out of the rut then get you both out and enjoy each other’s company.

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I’ve met a few seniors, between 50s and late 80s that are still so full of life! I even work with a few, and they are a big part of my chosen family. I don’t really have a blood family close so I cherish these people I let into my life.

Be bold, introduce yourself to a group of seniors at your local senior hangout (here it’s McDonald’s or Tim Hortons). Ask your parents to meet their friends or even start visiting a seniors home, there are some that don’t have families that visit and would love your company.

Not every senior is a grumpy old git like you see portrayed on screen, but they are like the ones portrayed as funny, dirty, ditsy, wise, loving as they really are. (Thank you Mrs. Brown!)

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You’d be surprised to know how many actually are very knowledgeable on technology and the like. Some choose to keep up with the trends because it’s what helps keep their minds fresh. Dementia and alzheimers are not pleasant, and by making more connections and keeping the mind active, helps in preventing these heartbreaking diseases.

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As the years go on, the new “old” gets younger and younger. When you turn 30, it’s “I’m Old.” But with the way the world is changing, women having children in their 40s and some in their 50s even, it’s time to change the attitude.

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There are many young people who don’t appreciate some of the things they have today. They take things for granted. Being in the middle of the technological up-rise, I have grown to appreciate what technology has become. No kid today has to worry about dial-up internet. Lucky bastards! Hem.. What I’m saying is, is that young people should have to spend time with seniors during their school years. They should want to, to learn, to laugh, to grow. I know I have, and I’m very lucky.

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Ripped Through to the Soul

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Shadows cast through the eyes 

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as pain pierces the heart

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a fresh wound as knife

slices  through

skin draws blood

hand reaches in to pull 

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rips out part of soul

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inner demons fight

to keep the rest in

it belongs to them

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numbness draws a smile

upon the face to fake

the battle has not yet 

been lost as there’s 

still hope for light

to mend the heart

and return the soul

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Knight of Wands

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Today’s Card: Knight of Wands

“On the positive side, the Knight of Wands is full of energy and life. He’s never afraid to try something new and will reach for all the gusto he can. Others may shake their heads at his crazy stunts, but they still admire his courage and passion. He’s sexy and irresistible…always the charmer. On the negative side, this Knight is a little too sure of himself and his abilities. He tends to be shallow and thoughtless. Don’t expect a deep commitment from him. He’s also reckless and irresponsible. He acts without thinking and constantly gets in trouble because of his temper.In readings, a Knight of Wands shows that his confident, passionate style is involved in the situation as an aspect of you, someone else or the atmosphere in general. You need to ask yourself, “Is this Knight’s energy helping or hurting?”If his style is evident, then balance is needed. Is your confidence really cockiness? Are you angry and impatient all the time? Are you crazy about someone whom you know is going to break your heart? Is your company rushing into something risky with no preparation? It may be time for a change.If this Knight’s energy is missing, a dose of passion and daring may be called for. Are you in a rut? Try something new. Are you always planning every last detail? Wing it next time. Are you working too hard? Go out and have some fun. Let the Knight of Wands introduce you to his world of adventure, excitement and risk.”- Learning The Tarot

 

“The Knight of Wands is seen riding upon his horse, which rears up in the intensity of the Knight’s quest for success. The Knight’s face bears the determination of one bound to succeed. The plumes from the Knight of Wands’ helmet and the decorative tassels hanging from his back and arms are the colour of flame and he, like the Page, wears a shirt covered with the symbol of the fiery salamander.”-Biddy Tarot

My Reading:

I picked the card from the Spirit Deck, but I wanted to get the meanings from each for a more rounded and full reading.

Spirit Tarot Deck: A journey, advancement into the unknown, alteration, flight, absence.

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Aquarian Tarot Deck: (Knight of Rods) May indicate change of residence, travel, departure

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Rider Tarot Deck: Departure, absence, flight, emigration, change of residence.

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Since fire is my favorite element, it makes sense that this would be my card (at least today). It must be time to keep charging forward, don’t doubt the confidence, try new things, try not to worry so much (working on that one). Could also mean finding a new place to live in the near future. Like fire, it’s time to keep the flame burning bright, and not let anyone rain on my parade.

Swallowed in the Moment

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Meeting a buddy for coffee?

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Take note of the sensations you feel. Is it cold? Today was windy, cold and overcast while walking there, sunny and warmer while sitting inside for coffee, and windy, cold and overcast while walking home. Take a look at your surroundings as you walk, be present in the moment. Something new growing along the familiar path you take?

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Does the sky look particularly interesting today? Perhaps the shape of a cloud as it hovers over the trees and rooftops like a dome.

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How does your body feel as you’re walking? Any aches in your legs? Bladder full? Coffee is a diuretic after all, especially after drinking 2 medium double-doubles.

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How’s your breath? Steady as she goes, be wary not to get winded, while walking in the wind. Holding the coffee cup with your teeth, as you dig out your key, turn off the music from your headphones, and unlock the front door. Up to your room to create, fresh full of inspiration. Mini strawberry cheese Danish bites saved for desert, as leftovers are heated up for lunch, butter chicken stir fry, with mozza on a bun.

Stare at blank paper while candle burns. Music from your headphones tunnel through your ears and fade in the back of your mind transforming into background noise, unaware of what tune is playing, as you try to concentrate.

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A sip of cold coffee,  a glance at the candle, the inspiration melts like candle wax, and manifests into shadow play with candle light.

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Meditation and mindfulness can be just taking the time to notice surroundings, your senses heightened, and let them swallow you in their presence, capturing the moment as you experience it.

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Girls Night In

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Alarm set for 6:30 a.m., goes off, turn off, get up to pee. Alarm set for 7 a.m., goes off, turn off, roll over back to sleep. Phone vibes, open eyes, look at phone, time is 9:30 ish, roll over, close eyes, bladder screaming up the body. Can’t take it anymore, get up to pee. 10:36 a.m..

Turn on laptop, turn on Bluetooth headphones, grab coloring book, grab paper and pencils. Turn on Spotify, start flipping through the book for inspiration, start to draw from the book. Go downstairs, make coffee, eat a small bowl of cereal. Back upstairs, shower, clean up bathroom a bit. Back to laptop and coloring while waiting for friend to message when close by the house (she’s taking the bus).

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Phone buzzes, time to make coffee. Salt in the filter. Hot chocolate powder, peppermint extract and cream stirred in each mug. Add coffee as friend enters the house (door left unlocked).

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Give big hugs! Hands me a gift, more big hugs!!

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Make microwave popcorn and put on some Burn Notice for a Bruce Campbell fix. Then put on Mrs. Brown’s Boys for a big laugh, and the bonus features (not seen on Netflix).

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After a bit of Mrs. Brown, time to make dinner,
Butter Chicken Stir Fry

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of Jasmine Rice
  • pieces of chicken
  • 1 yellow onion
  • leek
  • 1 tablespoon of minced garlic
  • spices
  • olive oil & some butter
  • Butter chicken sauce

Cooking:

Make rice according to directions, should make 4 cups cooked. Get a big pan or wok, heat olive oil and then put in the chicken. Add spices, used was red pepper flakes, dried oregano,  dried basil, apple-wood smoked salt. Chop the onion and leek. Once the chicken is almost cooked, add some butter in the center of the pan, then add onion and garlic. Stir well. Add the leek and stir, then add the rice and sauce and stir until well mixed.

*As an added flavor add some shredded mozzarella to your bowl

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Ate dinner while watching more Mrs. Brown. Laughed, ate, stomach sounds and gas… Recited lines before they happened. Seen the show enough times, that almost fully memorized. Wait a bit. Decide on more mocha to go with ice cream. But hold the peppermint.

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More Mrs. Brown, more stupid laughs, more stomach gurgles, more reciting lines. look at the bus schedule, keep eye on the time. 8:36 p.m. episode just finishes as she gets her things and heads for the door. HUGE hug, thank you s, and goodbye.

Clear up the living room, tidy dishes a bit, add some milk to what’s left of the mocha and microwave for 1:30. Phone buzzes, made the bus. Gather DVDs, books and mug in hand, head up stairs.

Top of stairs, DVDs, topple to the floor, make the rest into the bedroom, pick up what was dropped. Turn on Bluetooth headphones, turn on laptop, get pencil crayons, light candle.

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Turn on Spotify, 9:21 p.m. phone buzzes, she made it home, finish coloring.

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Sometimes all we need is just a girls night in (or just friends etc). It’s more therapeutic to make a home cooked meal with a good friend, make coffee and curl up on the couch with a fave TV show and laugh like a hyena in comfort, rather than be surrounded by strangers in a crowded mall or coffee shop and spend $ you don’t really have to spend.

I’m thankful to have good friends, whom I love and appreciate for nights like this. We both needed it. I especially needed the hugs. It really is true that women need them, you feel so much better after human contact.

I’m amazed my home in my head let me come out for a night of much-needed girls night. I didn’t hear any conversations going on, no other thoughts. I was present in the moment as it was happening. These are the much needed and much appreciated moments.

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Do You Live In Your Head Too?

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Do you live in your head too? The dream you had the night before keeps playing throughout the day. Your escape from reality, your coping mechanism, your way of life.

It’s like a T.V. you can’t turn off, a never-ending movie, and you’re the star. Sometimes you can control the conversation, sometimes it takes over on its own. You never know what guest star is going to decide to take a role, and how that role will make an impact.

Sometimes there’s crossover. If someone questions your laughter, your tears, your anger… It’s not always fantasy. It’s like your demons put on a disguise, running amok in your brain, seeing what havoc they can create, what pot they can stir.

Your dream catcher might catch some nightmares, but it doesn’t catch the borderline. The dreams that really should terrify you to the core force you to be numb instead.

It’s amazing the conversations inside your head don’t surface through the loudness of your mouth. Some may catch you talking to yourself, but it’s mostly an occasional mumble.

Creativity comes from the mind. Would I have the creativity I do if I didn’t live inside my head?

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Is this normal? Not that I’m aware of. But does this make me who I am? Would I be the same person without my endless dreams, my demons running wild?

Waking up to the weirdness, knowing that when it turns weird, it must be time to get out of bed. Attempt to control but still far from reach.

Even in meditation, you close your eyes and are supposed to focus on one thing, while your mind “dreams” of the meditation trying to focus on the one thing.

You look stoic, surrounded by others. Not very talkative in the outside world. But inside your head, you’re already having an engaging conversation, whether or not you want to.

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When the depression first surfaced and buried itself deep inside me, my mind decided to swallow me whole and created a home for me, in which I’m never allowed to leave.

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Dare we try to escape our minds? Or shall we accept the home inside our heads?

It’s the Little Things that Make Love Grand

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Father daughter relationships can be messy and complicated. Like mine. My dad isn’t a cuddly type. He wasn’t around much, but yet still lived in the same house until I was 16 when my mom and I moved out. Only when I became an adult he seemed to be there for me more.

But, I’ve realized that every small thing he does for me is his way of showing his love. It is the only way he knows how. The good memories are the ones you need to hold onto, no matter how painful the bad ones are.

Like getting my baby teeth pulled out in the garage with his pliers. Or the fact that he BUILT me my own swing-set and playhouse, which had a working doorbell and lights!

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When I needed something hemmed, I went to my dad. I mean, how many men do you know (that are straight, and not a designer or something) that can use a sewing machine?

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The only moments that I have together with him, are from when I was really young. As I grew older, they faded, and with all the negative things in my life, I became a lot more numb to the meaning of “family.”

Some say that people don’t change. But I believe that people can grow in small ways. It might take a lot to notice.

My dad married a Chinese woman, close to his age, very sweet and caring and what he needed, and makes him happy. He shows affection with her and she’s helped him grow in many ways.

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The Chinese culture of Family has really dug in its heels. They believe in family being close-knit and a lot of entire families live in the same house. This email he sent really made me cry, but it shows how much he’s grown.

“I AM SORRY MY DEPARTURE WAS UNSCHEDULED AS IT HAPPENED . AS YOU KNOW YOUR DAD IS NOT MUCH FOR HUGS OR KISSES BUT YOU ALSO KNOW I LOVE YOU AND HOPE FOR THE BEST IN YOUR LIFE . KEEP TO YOUR GOAL PLANS AND BE STRONG AND AS LI WEI SAID TO YOU MAYBE YOU WILL COME TO CHINA AND VISIT ALL OF US .WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT I WILL HELP YOU TO COME VISIT . LATER LOVE DAD”

I’m still having trouble finding the words to respond. It shook me to the core, as he’s never expressed himself this way ever before. When you’re so used to not having that kind of thing expressed to you and then all of a sudden there it is right in front of you, it’s like my heart shattered a bit more. But, I feel it slowly trying to fuse itself back together, and it will in time.

Of course, my way of coping with this was to write about it. To dig out those photos and know that I’ve always been loved by him.

To anyone who may be in the same situation, know that it’s every little thing that makes love grand. You have to find your own way of coping with unexpected expressions, with unexpected departures, with any and all unexpected things.

Holding home
Up in my soul
I am in control
Born on my own

Break down the walls
That keep us all
Flames in waves
So beautiful

Born On My Own from Silent So Long by Emigrate 

I am my Daddy’s Lil Monster. I’ve embraced the darkness that has enveloped me and used it as my light. I am weird, a warrior, a beautiful young woman, intelligent, with dreams, goals and aspirations. I’ve beaten a lot of bullshit, and continue to fight great battles.

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